Hear Here, Listen There: Do You Know What She Said?

"I don't know what I'd say," he announced nervously as if that was a suitable excuse.


Imagine for a moment that a day before Caylee Anthony was murdered you knew the time and place where her murder would take place. Imagine that the authorities did not care when you informed them about what was going to happen.



What would you do? Would you show up and try to change the mind of her murderer and thus save Caylee? Or would you nervously announce that "I don't know what I'd say"?


If you're a noble human being (and you probably are if you're on this site), then you'd put all anxiousness aside and do what needed to be done. You'd try to save Caylee.


If you have been blowing off sidewalk helping because of this very same excuse, then pay attention really close:


There are two crucial parts of talking to a woman out on the sidewalks:


1) BE THERE: You cannot talk to her if you're not even present.


2) LISTEN: Yes, indeed, the most important part of talking to a woman is to listen.


But, Julia, listening involves talking... *whine, whine, grumble, grumble, whine some more*


Well, that is why I am about to tell you some things that you can say (and things you shouldn't) in order to get her talking. Then, your job is just to listen, empathize, and help.


"What brought you here today" vs. "Why are you here"


Do everything within your verbal power to avoid the word "why" when talking to an abortion-vulnerable individual. Even if our questions are kind and come across as such, "why" is a word that puts others on the defensive. They will automatically feel the need to defend their actions. They most likely will feel judged as they scramble around trying to find a socially acceptable excuse for their behaviour.


Asking "what brought you here today" opens dialogue about what services the client has arrived to receive. If you want a more light-hearted phrase, then "Is this your first time being a mom" is a great one too. This kills two birds with one stone: you find out why she is there and you also find out more about her as she will probably let you know how many children she has.




Yes or No Questions are like eating five boxes of Twinkies and expecting weight loss.


Okay, let's be real here: asking a "yes or no" question consists of having delusional expectations. We think that asking a question will get her talking and the next thing you know, she's retorted with a short "yes" or "no" and is walking faster towards the abortionist's door.


If you want a lengthier, fruitful answer from her, then ask open-ended questions. These questions begin with "How, What, In What Way" and etc.


Example: "What about your financial situation is causing you to worry?" sounds better than "Why are you worried?"




Snow White's Mirror Was Onto Something


We have to be careful not to interrogate women by asking too many questions. We want to know what is going on so we ask questions too much. There, however, is a way around this. The best way to sustain a conversation with her and keep her talking is to mirror her with reflection phrases. These phrases simply mirror back to the woman what she has just said in order to show that you are listening, understanding, interested, and desire her to elaborate more.

Now, this does not mean you act like a parrot on a caffeine high. If she says, "My boyfriend doesn't want it" then we do not say "Your boyfriend doesn't want it".


The Mirror on the Wall in Snow White reflected content but put it's own personality on it. That's how it's supposed to be done.


So, if she says "My boyfriend doesn't want it" while her eyes are gazing on the ground and she looks defeated, then we say "You're feeling trapped because your boyfriend seems not to want your son".


These statements must be empathetic in nature and should not have a "questioning" tone about them. You know when people say something but it sounds like a question even though it does not have question words in it? Yeah, let's avoid that. Be confident in your responses.


Helpful hint: Use phrases such as "You feel _______ because _______", "You feel ______", and phrases that reflect content she has just shared with you because it shows that you are truly listening to her.


This whole method works because when you mirror what the woman has told you with the addition of how she feels, she feels understood and cared for. You have correctly assessed how she feels without her having to tell you, thus she realizes you DO understand how she is feeling. Bingo, folks.


It's Not Over Til It's Over


Meet your new best friends: "seems", "you think", and "you feel".


We know that people, situations, and feelings change. But, a woman in crisis often feels as if everything is for certain. She might be absolutely resolute in her thought that her boyfriend will never accept their child nestled in her womb. This is why your words need to gently reflect the possibilty of change.


So, if she is saying that her boyfriend "doesn't want it", then we must be careful with our words. We cannot reinforce this particular idea of hers any further than she's already reinforced it. Instead of saying, "He doesn't want your baby", try one of these:


"It seems like he does not want to take responsibility for this baby"


"You're frustrated because you think he does not want this child"


"You feel that he does not want to be involved with your daughter"


You are acknowledging her assessment of her situation (since she knows her situation best), but you are also not stating anything as fact. You are stating that the boyfriend "not wanting" the child is her assessment and not a concrete fact.


Practice time: over the next few days, try using this when responding to the people in  your life. If your grandma is telling you that the piece of pie she just ate was the best in the entire world, say "you feel like that pie was the best in the world". It may sound corny, but integrating these tiny little phrases into conversational responses can be harder than it sounds so we have to practice.




No More Excuses


If you are there and willing to listen to her, then it is possible to get far. It is possible to be what she needs, it is possible to be part of changing her mind, it is possible to help her.


We all have ears, we all have the ability to listen, and we must practice our listening skills constantly.


These are only a few ways to help initiate conversation and get her talking to you for a lengthy period of time. Comment on this post with your questions.


A baby's life is on the line and a woman needs you. Whatever excuses we have must be dealt with, not held on to. If you don't know what to say or how to talk to her, then learn how.


Get out there and save lives! :)

Inspired Fire

If you've ever been on a chocolate run only to be apprehended by a woman in the parking lot who has had an abortion and wants to talk about it, then you know what I'm talking about.


Well, perhaps san chocolate and parking lot, we've all been there. That place where everything was fine and dandy until an unexpected conversation was struck up like a dry match on firewood.


Those unanticipated conversations are usually about important matters. And well, then the flames begin.


How effective are we at guiding the fire so that we and the other conversationalist involved do not get burned?


Can we become masters at fueling, guiding, and taming conversation fires?


That, my friends, is what this whole blog is about: being informed, inspired, and engaged conversation fire experts.

Through this journey together, we will learn how to twist raging forest fires or timid candle flickerings into warm campfires that are pleasant and cozy to sit around.

Whether you're out on the sidewalks, inside a pregnancy resource center, or a in a taco shack food line, you can carry effective conversations with those who are vunerable to abortion, those who are pro-abortion, those who are apathetic, those who are wounded by abortion, or even those who are pro-life.




Throughout these blog posts I will be sharing tips, advice, methods, stories, and resources to help form us into better helpers.



So, gather up your firewood and let's get crackin'!